Woman’s Maternal Functions

Let us now consider another womanly function, one that is just as important and perhaps
even more fundamental than the wifely one, namely, the maternal function. These two
functions complement each other in the whole woman, and each woman should aim at
achieving this psychosynthesis within herself. While some women are more inclined to fulfill
primarily the function of being man’s companion, others become absorbed in motherhood.
But apart from constitutional tendencies toward these different vocations, the
circumstances of life induce and often oblige a woman to centre her interests and activities
in one or the other of these two functions. The woman that has a husband but no child has a
greater opportunity to devote herself to spiritual communion, intellectual rapport, and
practical collaboration with her husband. She can even make something more of the
relationship by being also “maternal” toward her husband. And this protective, kindly and
generous behavior can add a new note that makes the union of the two souls and
personalities richer and more harmonious.
On the other hand, the woman who has lost her husband or who, for some reason, cannot live
in harmonious communion with him, may adopt motherhood as her central aim. She then
seeks the reason, the meaning and the value of her life in that role.
Motherhood, considered in its broadest and deepest sense, was a cosmic principle before it
was a human function. Matter, the substance which received the creative impulse of Spirit
and then elaborates it and expresses it in myriads of beings, is the Universal Mother. It –
or she – makes the existence of the manifested universe possible. In our planet, this
Universal Motherhood, is called Nature, the terrestrial mother, which moulds and nourishes
all creatures. This has been understood and deeply felt by all people from the earliest
times. In ancient Egypt, the worship of Isis, and in Greece, that of Demeter and Cybele
were expressions of this belief. Then, in Christianity, we have the worship of Mary, the
Virgin Mother of the Savior, who joins the son in His redemptive mission.
If, from the examination of these forms of worship and from the direct observation of
motherhood, we try to define its fundamental characteristics, we discover that they are
fecundity, creativity, the giving of life and generous love infused with sacrifice, devotion,
and protectiveness. These functions are not exclusively human; they are also expressed in
the animal kingdom. As is known, the brooding hen will deprive herself of nourishment, if
necessary, in order to feed her chicks. But there are still more dramatic examples. Among
insects, the pine-bombyx takes the down off her breast to make her nest and expires after
this act of abnegation. Some cochineals so place themselves before dying that their dead
bodies tend to protect their offspring from inclement weather. Among quadrupeds, mothers
often defend their young even to the point of sacrificing their own lives.
For primitive woman, motherhood is the highest expression of being. In some savage tribes,
woman is considered to be endowed with a soul only after having had a child. As a mother,
she attains a degree of dignity that she did not have as a mere wife. In all civilizations, the
moral function of the mother has been great. In addition to responsibility for physical care,
the mother is charged with the duty of educating her children’s feelings and imagination and
of instilling them with the foundations of moral and religious beliefs. Other specifically
maternal functions are to evoke a sense of beauty and to train the child to selflessness,
compassion, and devotion.If I appear to lay emphasis on those well-known facets of maternal behavior, it is because I
think it necessary to provide a counter-balance to a negative view of motherhood. The
mistake, unfortunately, all too common in the exercise of the maternal function, is what can
be called a materialistic one. The essential physical care give to children during their first
years is necessary and basic. But physical care is not the only necessary care; and when it
predominates over other aspects of maternal care, a materialistic limitation of the maternal
function occurs which may be very harmful. If we compare the care that many mothers give
to their children’s bodies, to their children’s preparation for careers, and for external
success in life with the care given to their children’s souls and with the degree of
intellectual and spiritual communion achieved with their children, we see the scale going
down heavily in favor of material values. As a consequence, many children are well taken care
of, well protected, and well directed into professional studies, but lack sensitivity to
spiritual realities and responsiveness to moral values.
Another mistake is to manifest an excess of maternal love. This is expressed by the words
“attachment”, “identification”, and “possessiveness”. This mistake is more human and
forgivable, but it may be just as harmful as the first. It is understandable that the more
you put of yourself into somebody else and the more sacrifices you make for that person,
the more you may bind yourself to him, identify yourself with him, and attach yourself to
him. But sooner or later, there comes the moment in the life of children when detachment
from the mother is necessary. There comes the moment when the son or daughter must
obtain freedom and autonomy to conduct his or her own life. This is such a natural event
that we find it expressed by animals instinctively. In them, where many human complications
are absent, detachment occurs in a simple way and at the right moment. A typical example is
that of birds that push their young ones out of the nest so that they have to learn to use
their own wings. (This, incidentally, is an expression which has a high symbolic meaning).
Among primitive people, a similar event takes place. In their well-organized societies there
are rites of initiation and puberty. The moment of separation from the mother, which
coincides with puberty, is acknowledged as a crucial point in the life of the young. It is the
moment at which adolescents become really conscious of themselves as responsible
individuals.
But often the “civilized” mother has neither the understanding nor the wisdom necessary to
make this supreme and most subtle of all sacrifices, the one which costs her the most and
which might be paradoxically called “the sacrifice of the preceding sacrifices”. To sacrifice
one’s own attachment to one’s children, to be able to “retire”, is very difficult because it is
contrary to all one has wanted to do until then. And yet, life is full of these changes and
transitions in which what was good and right at a certain time becomes excessive, untimely,
and harmful at another. And so, very often the mother does not see, and cannot make this
sacrifice. She tries to bind her children to herself in every way, not perceiving and even
encouraging their defects. The worst part of it is that she thinks, or wants to deceive
herself and others into thinking, that it is for their good.
Children who accept this easy state of protection, a kind of padding against harshness of
life, without rebelling and sometimes with complacency, enter life unprepared for its
struggles and snares. From such lack of psychological and spiritual preparation arise dangers
to their health and to their future position in society and among their fellow men. They
often remain weak, timid and ineffectual. But in many other cases, the contrary happens.
When a child has a more manly and energetic temperament, he is inclined to escape from
the tyranny of the family. The ties with mother, which had been prolonged unnaturally, are
broken violently; and the rebel is accused of ingratitude and of lack of love. Mother does
not understand him, so painful quarrels ensue. An abyss is dug between mother and child,
and it is the mother who suffers the most from it. So, she loses both her relationship to
her child and his appreciation of her sacrifices because she has forced him to assert his
independence. But because her over-protectiveness had prevented him from developing his
own judgement, and because he is still quite a dependent person underneath his
rebelliousness, he is especially prone to fall under evil and harmful influences.
This crisis in the life of a woman also explains a fact we joke about but which causes serious
harm and deep suffering: “the mother-in-law problem”. The crisis of a mother whose
daughter gets married is often dangerous. Whereas an adolescent son usually detaches
himself gradually from his mother, a daughter’s marriage sometimes creates a sudden and
painful separation. Right up to the moment of marriage, a daughter may be very close to her
mother. But suddenly there is a newcomer who meddles with their intimacy and interrupts
it. This is a dangerous moment for the mother. If she cannot overcome it with wisdom and
courage, she may become a “mother-in-law” in the pejorative sense of the word. She feels
hostile and shows jealousy towards the man who appears to have deprived her of her
daughter and companion. Naturally, her unjust reaction evokes a resentful response from
her son-in-law, and sometimes from the daughter, too. The well-known complications and
conflicts ensue.
In recent times, this situation has become less frequent because girls, especially in large
cities, are increasingly emulating the independence of boys, thereby detaching themselves
from their mothers at an earlier age. But this fact makes it even more necessary for
mothers to keep up-to-date psychologically with their daughters. To maintain a meaningful
relationship with a rapidly changing adolescent takes a real effort toward understanding on
the part of the mother.
There is one basic preventive for these problems: we must not let ourselves be absorbed
exclusively by any one human function, whatever it may be, even the most noble and finest.
Woman, in order to be a mother in the best and most effective way, must not fall into the
trap of being exclusively a mother. Instead, she must be a human being who is also a mother
and who exercises the functions of a mother with all the love it requires. But, I repeat, she
must not be merely a mother. It is necessary that she realizes that there coexists within
woman (and, I would say, above the mother role) a human soul that is aware of itself, that
also has other interests and activities, and that is involved in social affairs and in the life of
the spirit. This does not make the woman less a mother, but a better mother.
In the first place, the woman who is interested in social problems and who participates in
the life of her time, her community, and her country can better understand the world in
which her children are growing up. If, when her children are small, she deprives them of
some attention in order to keep up with the issues of her time, to read significant books,
and to take an interest in problems which transcend the little sphere of her family, then,
when her children are adolescent, she will be able to follow and understand them, to be
their friend and companion. Therefore, in the interest of the maternal function itself, it is
wise for the mother not to be exclusively a mother. When the moment of separation comes,
she will have another series of human and spiritual interests ready to which she can devote
her energy and time.
I would like to illustrate this point with an example of an American woman faced with the
necessity of going to live with her married daughter and son-in-law. In order to avoid
becoming the typical “mother-in-law”, at the age of fifty, she returned to college and
studied for a degree. As she used to say, “You see, coming back in the evening for dinner I
had something better to occupy myself with than the quarrels between my daughter and
son-in-law. I was thinking of Plato and the Egyptians”.
Actually, when a woman has wider and richer interests, she can look at the petty everyday
family disputes, the conflicts, and the problems of adjustment which may occur in the
conjugal life of her daughter with much greater serenity. Because of this detachment,
instead of being an obstacle and complication, she may be of real help to her daughter. That
same American woman used to say of her son-in-law, who had an unpleasant personality and
who used to get upset about everything, “He deserves our pity; we can ignore his
unpleasantness, but he can never escape from himself”.
Naturally, this is an exceptional case. It is difficult at the age of fifty to shift abruptly
from domestic duties to the life of a student. Therefore, one should prepare oneself
gradually for the transition by combining broader intellectual, social and spiritual interests
with one’s maternal functions. Whereas in the first years of married life, the woman had
often to sacrifice to some extent her wider interests to her domestic duties, now she can
satisfy her postponed thirst for cultural and spiritual activities. This will make her new way
of life much easier.